As a white man, I've gotten a question of this sort once. It was on a first date. He asked where I was from. I said Illinois. He asked where my parents were from. I jokingly thought, "Wait, you're not supposed to ask that!", and then I said "They're from... Illinois... too?"
But that wasn't me toying with him. I really didn't know the answer in the sense that he meant it. I can tell you what languages my family's surnames are from, but I can't tell you where any of my ancestors lived with certainty beyond the Midwest. And I'm sure that's a function of privilege: I don't need to know how my family got to America because my right to be here is never seriously questioned. I should probably ask my parents but never remember to.
And so to answer your question, it happens! But it's rare enough that I've gotten this far not having a satisfactory answer. I think you're correct that these questions, out of nowhere, carry an implicit othering in them. And on the Grindr grid, what is there to other besides appearance? My experience of them in homogeneous white spaces is that it's something you might ask if you think that someone has an unusual name or accent. That can be out of interest or out of suspicion, but in either case, the implication that something about you stands out is there.
Thanks for your response, Finch!! Apologies for the delay, was working on my next piece. But I’m fascinated by what you said. Kudos to you for thinking “you’re not supposed to ask that,” I imagine people aren’t as affronted by it not knowing it can be a bit affronting. I guess I also carry some privilege because I never really needed to know exactly where in Mexico my family was from. No one had asked, I didn’t care (privilege) and so it was lost on me.
But yes, I think it’s the fact that you’re noticing something different that for me can feel invasive. If I have an interesting name, why do you need to know where it came from? But again, curiosity isn’t harmful, and some are just that curious, so it’s a toss up for whether to be offended or flattered.
Thanks for sharing that with us, Cole. My experience in the past with these dating apps have been the same. The only thing I would like to add is the sexual hierarchy that exists and screams at you when you are POC. You’re immediately categorizes as “sexually wanted” or “unwanted”. As an Indian people had asked me questions like “do you smell” or made comments like “I don’t do Indian” as soon as they would learn about my ethnicity. All I can say to these “it’s just a preference” racists is FU :)
Thanks for sharing, Snehil! That's honestly really tough to hear, and I'm so sorry that's happened to you. But I get it, I've definitely been ghosted after saying "Latino," which always makes me wonder whether it was the "wrong" answer for them. That's what the fear is, right? That they'll automatically think something about you based on your race rather than what they initially responded to which was you yourself as a person. Sexual hierarchy is right - throughout history, POCs have been considered "exotic" when it comes to sex which either makes them even more desirable (but more sexually objectified in the eyes of white men) or less desirable (which has its own violent consequences).
The debate about "just a preference" is HEAVY in the gay community, but I'm with you - racist behavior, since your preferences are shaped by the media and colonialism that is around you.
As a white man, I've gotten a question of this sort once. It was on a first date. He asked where I was from. I said Illinois. He asked where my parents were from. I jokingly thought, "Wait, you're not supposed to ask that!", and then I said "They're from... Illinois... too?"
But that wasn't me toying with him. I really didn't know the answer in the sense that he meant it. I can tell you what languages my family's surnames are from, but I can't tell you where any of my ancestors lived with certainty beyond the Midwest. And I'm sure that's a function of privilege: I don't need to know how my family got to America because my right to be here is never seriously questioned. I should probably ask my parents but never remember to.
And so to answer your question, it happens! But it's rare enough that I've gotten this far not having a satisfactory answer. I think you're correct that these questions, out of nowhere, carry an implicit othering in them. And on the Grindr grid, what is there to other besides appearance? My experience of them in homogeneous white spaces is that it's something you might ask if you think that someone has an unusual name or accent. That can be out of interest or out of suspicion, but in either case, the implication that something about you stands out is there.
Thanks for your response, Finch!! Apologies for the delay, was working on my next piece. But I’m fascinated by what you said. Kudos to you for thinking “you’re not supposed to ask that,” I imagine people aren’t as affronted by it not knowing it can be a bit affronting. I guess I also carry some privilege because I never really needed to know exactly where in Mexico my family was from. No one had asked, I didn’t care (privilege) and so it was lost on me.
But yes, I think it’s the fact that you’re noticing something different that for me can feel invasive. If I have an interesting name, why do you need to know where it came from? But again, curiosity isn’t harmful, and some are just that curious, so it’s a toss up for whether to be offended or flattered.
Thanks for sharing that with us, Cole. My experience in the past with these dating apps have been the same. The only thing I would like to add is the sexual hierarchy that exists and screams at you when you are POC. You’re immediately categorizes as “sexually wanted” or “unwanted”. As an Indian people had asked me questions like “do you smell” or made comments like “I don’t do Indian” as soon as they would learn about my ethnicity. All I can say to these “it’s just a preference” racists is FU :)
Thanks for sharing, Snehil! That's honestly really tough to hear, and I'm so sorry that's happened to you. But I get it, I've definitely been ghosted after saying "Latino," which always makes me wonder whether it was the "wrong" answer for them. That's what the fear is, right? That they'll automatically think something about you based on your race rather than what they initially responded to which was you yourself as a person. Sexual hierarchy is right - throughout history, POCs have been considered "exotic" when it comes to sex which either makes them even more desirable (but more sexually objectified in the eyes of white men) or less desirable (which has its own violent consequences).
The debate about "just a preference" is HEAVY in the gay community, but I'm with you - racist behavior, since your preferences are shaped by the media and colonialism that is around you.
Agree with you all said.